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Tips for Positive Parenting

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May 20, 2010 by Leslie Leyland Fields for Beliefnet

Many parents today feel overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and guilt. I am convinced that many of our struggles come from believing that it is our job to be perfect parents. But we don't need to get caught up in false beliefs that cause stress and worry. Read the eight truths about parenting that will free you to be a more positive parent.

Leslie Leyland Fields is a mother of six and author of "Parenting Is Your Highest Calling, and Eight Other Myths That Trap Us in Worry and Guilt" (Waterbrook). She lives in Kodiak, Alaska.

1. You May Not Feel Loving Every Minute
Before we have children, we believe we’ll always love them unconditionally. But it’s not too many years after they arrive that the I-love-you/you-love-me-back arrangement is gone. In the hard times, we can easily jump to the wrong conclusion: I don’t feel loving toward my child, therefore I must not love my child.

The question is not, “Am I feeling loving toward my child?” but “Am I being loving toward my child?” If we’re supporting, encouraging, and disciplining our kids--if we're committed to their highest good--we are loving them. Don't worry about fluctuating feelings.

2. We Don't Need to Obsess Over Success
Increasingly, parents seem to measure their success by the achievements of their children. But this current obsession is leading to all kinds of excesses, including overscheduling and overprotection. We need to let go of our obsession with success, both for our sakes and our children’s. Our children need breathing room, unstructured play time, and the ability to make mistakes and learn from them. Most of all, we need to value and love our children not for their achievements, but simply for who they are.

3. Our Kids Have Their Own Purpose
Before we became parents, many of us believed that children would bring us happiness, fulfillment, as well as tons of fun! We soon discover that these moments do arrive, but along with them come many moments of, well, not so much fun. All parents feel surprised at how much work parenting is. But in many ways we receive more than we give. Children teach us how little we know—the beginning of real wisdom. Children expand our hearts. They free us from our self-focus and open us to the needs and love of others. Children don’t exist to fulfill us. Ultimately, they are here to find their own purpose and to contribute to the world in some way.

4. There's No Parenting Formula
While there are many helpful parenting books out there, some offer formulaic models based on behavior modification, obedience training, and rigid discipline. The underlying assumptions: we should be in control of our children at all times, and children shouldn’t mess up our lives. Raising children is inherently messy, thrilling, and unpredictable. Parenting "experts" and "one size fits all" parenting formulas cannot raise our children for us. We raise our children. Our children are too complex, creative, and unique to be raised by recipes or formulas.

5. We Don't Have to Buy Them Happiness
We often think the best measurement of our parenting skill is how happy our children are. Toward this goal, we put TVs in our kids’ rooms, go into debt for lavish birthday parties and vacations, and fix the foods our children clamor for instead of what they need. Our job as parents is not to make our children happy, but to help them become good people—compassionate, honest, responsible, hard-working. When a 10-year-old already obsessed with video games asks for an iPod, or a 16-year-old wants us to buy him a car, we may need to say no. The 10-year-old needs to gain some maturity and discipline; the 16-year-old could earn the money for a car. Our job is to help our children distinguish between their short-term happiness and the long-term good of their character.

6. Is Not Our Only Calling
Yes, we are called to love our families, but also to love our neighbors. When we focus exclusively on our children, we risk turning them into idols. Our children can grow up oblivious to others’ needs and the needs of the planet, believing they are the center of the universe. Enjoy your family and cultivate times of togetherness, but also enlarge your children’s scope. Take them with you as you volunteer. They’ll gain an outward, compassionate focus that can enable them to become generous citizens and good parents themselves someday

7. We Can Be Less Anxious
“I just want my kids to be safe.” How many times have I said this and heard other parents say the same? Of course we want our kids to be in safe cars, schools, and homes. But this desire for safety can spiral out of control, fed by fear, and lead to what some are already calling “the anxious generation.” Too much caution will cripple our children with fear and limit their enjoyment and effectiveness in life. As parents, we need to practice safety, but we also need to practice trust and faith. Kids need challenges and adventures to stretch their abilities and give them self-confidence, problem-solving skills, and courage—attributes every successful adult needs.

8. We Don't Need to Be Perfect
Many of us live with the realities of divorce, single-parenting, blended families, teen pregnancy, and many other less-than-perfect circumstances. We often feel like failures, and worry about our children’s security and success and their own future families. But there is no perfect family. Families throughout history were often marked by imperfection, yet the children from those families still accomplished much. With attentive parenting, we can help turn adversity into strength. For instance, I travel often to teach and speak. While our family is apart, my kids have learned to cook and manage the house. Our own family limitations never limit our children’s faith or their possibilities.

8 Comments

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• May 22, 2010 by Tonya

  What do you do if your teenager is adhd and is out of control. Im tired of calling the police and they are tired of coming to the house for him?

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  • June 16, 2010 by Someone Else's Mother

    If you can afford to, get yourself and offspring into therapy. If you have a spouse and it is possible to include other primary personnel in the child's life, please get family therapy. Often enough, when one child is like this, the cure will involve every family member to make changes - especially if the one "identified patient" improves. What are you going to do if you no longer have Johny to blame? LOL, but seriously, family dynamics always change if a 'sick' or 'naughty' character changes. Everyone will have to adjust to prevent the whole group from reverting to the problematic behavior that started it.

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• May 24, 2010 by gayle

  Hi Tonya,

  How exhausting and frustrating this must be for both of you and anyone else in the family. Your statement/question doesn't give a lot of details of what you have tried so far. So I apologize if I offer something to try that you already have. I'm not sure how old your son is. You say teen - but there is a big difference between the development of a 13 year old and 17 year old. One of the first resources I would recommend would be to find a counselor who understands his diagnosis and can help you sort through all of your own feeling. It is understandable that you feel love/empathy and anger/resentment at the same time. I would also recommend that you become a student of the diagnosis and about brain development and needs of adolescent males. The author, Michael Gurian has several books that are valuable resources. Knowledge builds your level of competence therefore your confidence. Take good care of yourself. Set your boundaries and stick with them so you can stay out of power struggles. Try to find time to do positive and fun things with your son. It's amazing what spending time with him can do for both of you. These are just a few ideas that can help. It won't cure the problem overnight. But remember, lasting change is the change that comes about little by little. The two of you probably need to rebuild your trust in one another. That takes time. But it's worth it. He'll only be a teen for a few more years - he'll be your son for the rest of his life. Best wishes.

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• May 27, 2010 by ray

  I am a divorced father of a 14 year old daughter. I am the primary residential parent however, recent job loss and relocation has left her with her mother and mother's live in boyfriend most of the time. The live in boyfriend is very controlling and punishes our daughter frequently through excessive (3 to 5 months at a time) grounding. When she misbehaves both him and the mother become very accusatory towards our daughter (MB) and blame blame blame, interrogate her about the most minute details rather than deal with the actual issue and disciplining in a positive way. Recently, our daughter started seeing a 16 year old boy who lives in an abusive home and his parents have NO rules. He is allowed to come and go as he pleases and is often left home alone. Our daughter ditched the bus and went home with him. A few days later her mother found an unopened condom and pack of cigarettes in MB's purse. Their first reaction was one of accusation and humiliation. I stepped in and tried to explain consequences and responsibility to MB I told her mother that she should take her to the Dr. not as a 'fact finding mission' but rather in a supportive way and to help MB realize the responsibility of good health and the seriousness of certain choices. However, MB chooses NOT to talk with her mother or me, instead the mother's boyfriend has become a 'confidant' and I feel that this is because of his role as the "Punisher and Rewarder". Since he controls whether she has freedom or is grounded, MB has learned to manipulate the mother's boyfriend (J) make him feel more important than her own father and mother which 'J" feeds in to by granting her more concessions when she is more responsive to him rather than when she is responsive to her mother or I. Her mother's income is minimal and she has no insurance, currently have been out of work for months and will not have insurance for 90 days in my new job. I feel that counseling is urgently needed. In addition, MB older sibling is living at home as well, had a toddler who only a month ago drowned in their pool. This traumatic experience is of course weighing heavily on everyone's emotions. MB's boyfrend's mother is accepting a job in another city and plans to leave her 15 year old son ALONE in their home while she works away. This poses a serious threat to our daughter MB. I dont know where to turn!! HELP Orlando,FL

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• June 14, 2010 by Aldonnia Mcfadden

  Pray hard

  Reply

• August 3, 2010 by Elizabeth

  Hi Tonya,

  I'm a 23 year old single mom, and I have a 3 year old daughter who I feel is turning into a trouble child. There's a good amount of time where she just doesn't listen to me or anyone I live with (I still live with my parents because of financial reasons). When she does listen, it's usually when my mom or myself have left the house and is the perfect 3 year old you can ask for. When I bring her out in public, I have no control over her behavior, and am often frowned upon (mostly by my family) because of it. It's to a point where I can't even bring her for half an hour to a wake at a funeral home because she thinks it's a playground and I'm always literally chasing after her. Not only is it embarrassing, but it makes me look like an idiot because I have no idea how to parent a 3 year old. Is it better to just keep her from funerals until she is old enough to know when to sit quietly at an occasion such as a funeral or do I just bring her with some toys? Is there any way to get her to behave at an occasion such as this? Are there any ideas to get her to behave at home with me and my mom in the house at the same time? My daughter is far from a hassle or an inconvenience, but I feel that my daughter and I are just another inconvenience to my parents and my brothers. My mom is 42 (that should say enough), and I get the unwanted feeling from her the most. I understand that it has been time for me to leave, but at the current moment, I can't afford to live entirely on my own. In the meantime what can I do to parent my child with my mom around? And given my circumstances, is it normal if I feel like I'm losing my mind because I don't know how to control my daughter? I am in desperate need of help!

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  • August 20, 2010 by janet anderson

    3 years old and you are already labelling her a difficult child....the only difficulty is you..be a parent....at that age they are just feeling out who you are and if you think 3 is hard wait until they are 16+. I have 5 children and I have never had to spank my children very much. Just a time or two goes along way..People who think.....they don't believe in spanking....never raised children...if they did the odds are they grew up to be overbearing people. Love and respect is the first things i feel need to be taught....If you do a little disiplining when they are young, you will have a better teenager who will listen to you when things get really important.

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• August 10, 2010 by anne marsh

  hard luv.having 3 adhd boys 26,16&7 ive learned that they apriciate u more if u say enough is enough&show them the door,& mean it. Afta a cple of mths they want 2 come hm&have alot more respect 4 u&their home.

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