My Neighbor, My Caregiver
July 12, 2010 by Susan H. Greenberg
Sarah Ellison had always been friendly with the elderly couple who lived next door, but she really bonded with Charlie when his wife died of Alzheimer’s five years ago. “He called me right after he called his son,” says Ellison (who requested a pseudonym to protect her neighbor’s privacy). Charlie planned the memorial service but agreed to let Ellison arrange a reception afterwards. Neighbors in their Boston suburb chipped in for finger sandwiches, tea, and flowers. “ ‘Sylvia would have liked that,’ ” Ellison recalls Charlie saying.
Soon she began popping over with muffins or soup. “When Sylvia was gone, I felt a greater responsibility to check in on him,” says Ellison. “I was very fond of him.” Charlie would come by to chat at Ellison’s kitchen island, bringing magazines for her husband and daughter. He remained proud and independent, doing his own yard work and minor home repairs. “If he needed something, he’d call me,” says Ellison. He didn’t have much family; he was an only child, and his daughter had been killed in a car accident when she was a teenager. So on holidays, Ellison always made sure he had plans to see his son, who lived within driving distance but didn’t visit often.
Then late last year, at age 82, Charlie became ill. His appetite flagged and he lost weight. Ellison accompanied him to the doctor, and she was by his side when Charlie heard the diagnosis: pancreatic cancer. She helped him digest the news and weigh the treatment options, and offered to drive him to follow-up appointments. “He said, ‘Absolutely not,’ ” Ellison recalls. “ ‘There may come a time when I’m really going to need help, but not yet.’ Then he kissed me on the head.” Lately, Charlie’s son has become more involved in his care, taking him to the doctor and spending more time at his house. “It makes me happy, but I also want to say, ‘Where have you been the past twelve years when I’ve been here?’” Ellison says.
All around the country, people like Ellison are quietly stepping in to help care for the elderly in their midst. Whether through informal arrangements or organized neighborhood watch groups, community members are joining forces to provide food, transportation, household maintenance, and companionship for the aging and infirm. In Sacramento, the local parks department has launched the Caring Neighborhood Programs to help neighborhoods develop their own strategies for tending to their elderly populations. Suggestions include planting flowers, sharing picnic lunches, or helping with “light spring cleaning tasks.” Non-profit organizations like The Andovers Village at Home program in Massachusetts charge a small annual fee to provide seniors with volunteer services ranging from help with home electronics to dog-walking to picking up prescriptions.
With people living longer in their homes, often far removed from loved ones, communities are essentially taking over the role families used to play. But how much do we owe someone simply because they happen to live next door? “I do think we have an obligation to help our neighbors,” says Robert Bornstein, a psychology professor at Adelphi University and the co-author of When Someone You Love Needs Nursing Home, Assisted Living, or In-Home Care. “The question is, how far should we go? Not many people would offer to take over a struggling neighbor’s mortgage, for example.” Sometimes good-hearted people who reach out to help end up feeling obligated to continue, and may become resentful if their assistance is taken for granted. Bornstein recalls how some of his Long Island neighbors teamed up to shovel an older resident’s driveway after last winter’s first major snowstorm. Little did they know that three more storms would strike in short order. “They kept saying, ‘Now I feel like I have to go shovel.’”
The challenge is establishing boundaries and being up front about what you can and can’t do, says Bornstein. Joanne Derwallis, 47, recalls how she used to set parameters on visits to Judy, an elderly widow in her Fairfield, Connecticut, neighborhood who died four years ago. “I’d say, ‘I can only stay 10 minutes,’ or she’d keep me all night,” says Derwallis, who started out bringing Judy food a few times a week but eventually developed a deep friendship with her built around going out to lunch and discussing books and parenting. “Toward the end, she started relying on me more, asking me to drive her to doctors’ appointments or lift something heavy.”
It helps to spread the responsibility by enlisting other neighbors or family members, says Bornstein. Derwallis recalls how she and one of her neighbors tag-teamed caring for Judy, trading notes on her medical care and mood as her health deteriorated. They also communicated by email with Judy’s son, who lived in Wisconsin. “He felt better because he knew that we were looking after his mom,” says Derwallis. When Judy died at age 87, Derwallis spoke at her funeral.
Not all children are so appreciative. “Kids sometimes resent the neighbor taking over, even if they don’t want to do it themselves,” says Bornstein. “It’s very rare when the neighbor who’s taken a family role has an ongoing relationship with the kids. There’s a replacement dynamic, where the kids get shifted out of that role.”
For the elderly, regular contact with neighbors can help maintain health and happiness. Roz Gordon, 88, who lives alone in a condo in Bridgeport, Connecticut, considers herself “very, very lucky” to have downstairs neighbors in their 60s who check in on her, get her mail, and clear her parking spot when it snows. An avid Jane Austen fan who has attended numerous conferences (in period garb), she steers clear of events aimed at senior citizens. “Their outlook on life is very negative,” she says. “I just can’t stand downers. I like the idea of being with a young person.”
Future generations may be less determined to preserve their independence. According to clinical social worker Barbara Kane, who co-founded Aging Network Services, a Bethesda-based company that specializes in coordinating all aspects of elder care, the current elderly population has an “up from the bootstraps” mentality and likes to prove they can do everything on their own. By contrast, baby boomers, who are just hitting retirement age, “like being catered to,” she says. “They like massages, spas, food brought in.” In fact, Bornstein says that Baby Boomers have begun taking the 60s notion of communal living and adapting it to create a formal and informal network of Aging in Place collectives. “They make explicit agreements—‘I’ll look out for you, you for me, one of us can drive, one of us can take care of the lawn.’ Or they might negotiate as a group for lawn care.”
But for those aging in place today, often it’s the neighbors who take charge. “If you’re a caring person, you do feel a sense of obligation to help those around you who need help,” says Ellison, recently back from a four-hour chemo session with Charlie. She acknowledges that her desire to help him stems from genuine affection. But what about the unfriendly old woman across the street, who “turns off her lights on Halloween?” If she really needed help, “Would I reach out to her?” wonders Ellison. She pauses for a moment. “Probably.”
Susan H. Greenberg is a writer, editor, teacher and author of the blog Unvarnished Mom.
Find More ///
- in Health & Fitness, Relationships
- in Reporting
- about senior citizens, caregivers, community
Related ///
A Champion for Homeless Pets
The founder of The Best Friends Animal Society explains the origins of the “no kill movement” and his continued efforts to help homeless animals.
Resources for Renters
Tips for keeping your rental safe and secure, and being prepared for emergencies.
Save the Pandas: Who Decides?
Do we need to keep endangered species alive? Or is extinction a part of evolution?
The Promise of Friendship
Amidst an ever-changing online world, a reflection on the tremendous responsibility that accompanies life-long friendships.
Europe Deems 2014 the Year Against Food Waste
Should we take waste stats more seriously?
40 Comments
What do you think? Leave a comment
July 13, 2010 by Laurel
Enjoyed reading this article. Is this what I have to look forward to??? I better start being friendlier to my younger neighbors while I continue to assist my contemporary cohorts.
Reply
April 19, 2011 by Rita Fowler
Great for you.......... I feel devasted whenever I think about how many elderly are out there with no help, especially even when there are two. That is, both worrying about each other. I have volunteered for an elderly (92) years that just past away. I was devasted and did not see it coming. She had gone to a doctor's appt that day with another helper. I was an evening live in. The doctor sent her back with cold medicine. She had a heart attack that night. Nobody had her back. I blame the doctor the most. I feel pain because I did not save her. She deserved to have been saved. I was right there with her the whole night; it was on a Friday. I was right by her side and did not know what was going on inside of her, because the doctor had seen her and sent medicine direction. Sometimes it is not good to have two people helping when the other does not want to cooperate with what is going on and the needs and wants of the elderly. They are so wrapped up in who they are and what they are going to let the elder do in their own house and above all, how they are going to change their livihood. They need to be put in jail is what I should say. Well, I am a full time day adult working (56) as well as a grad online student. I have a new townhouse in PA, but I work in Upper Marlboro. I was staying in the elderly home for three years. I was a live in for exchange of companion watch when I first had got there. I am looking for a live in M - Thu 6pm to 6am. If not too far from Upper Marlboro, Md, I would be willing to do the similar things, such as light cleaning, evening stacks, bedtime help, and assistance around the house. If you know anyone that may need someone there at least four times a week, let me know. I work during the day and can not commute daily back home to PA. I am an online grad student as mentioned, professional, and enjoy staying at home, watching TV and learning much from elderly.
Reply
August 10, 2011 by Linda Carlson
I enjoyed reading your article. I too am frustrated regarding the senior citizens. Many cannot afford to go to a home and many cannot afford to pay for a caregiver agency.. That''s where I come in, I enjoy going to there homes and helping in anyway that I can. Experienced caregiver. I live near the Lockhavn, Millhall areas if you know of any senior that needs help.
August 12, 2010 by Shirley Drennan
how do you reach elder abuse line
Reply
October 20, 2010 by angie
Contact the Department Of Aging in your area or go to DADS.com on the internet. GOOD LUCK!!!
Reply
October 29, 2010 by Seniortalk
In many instances, the senior programs and APS does nothing, so be careful of what you expect. In most case legal action is the best recourse for your privacy - and Legal Aid would be helpful.
There are so many seniors being abused: bullied, yelled at, ignored, demeaned, insulted, and physically harmed now (by their adult off-spring) something will have to be done, and fast. The main need is a way to relocate the senior who is in danger, and help them get away from the abuse, but right now, there is nothing like that, so it continues.
November 21, 2011 by mealnie
I care for my 84 year old father. our nrighbor who is 78 needs her son to step up and do the right thing. He lives an hour away and leaves his mother alone for 2 weeks at a time. She is a mentally ill women who knocks on my door at 4am. then argues with me that its not. I been to court 9 times with her and her son. Nothing is done, I was told in court they are not going to arrest an old women. For 3 years we have been dealing with this. MY father lives like a prisoner in his home that hesowned for 63 years. I understand she has rights, but where are my fathers rights. He cant even go in his garden or fig tree without her coming across the street and asking him for sexual favor. Sounds funny but its not. she will enter my home and not leave until I call the police. My children and father crawlon the floor so she doesnt see them in the house. she will knock on all of the doors and windows for 45 minutes at a time. Its not only my home but 5 other neighbors. We have contacted Senior Seervices the police her sonerrible for her but we just want to live a normal life. My children cant play outside we have to keep are doors locked at all times because we never know when she ll walk in and refuse to leave. If anyone can help please do.
October 14, 2010 by JoshuaSago
I think it is cool that you started a blog!You rock!
Reply
October 20, 2010 by angie
I also have an elderly neighbor who was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure in April of 2009. We have known him for nine years prior to his diagnoses. He had always been very active, helping other neighbors (including my husband & myself) whenever we needed a hand. He says he has children but we've never seen or talked to any of them. We truly care about him and love him as a dear friend. I have taken him to many doctor appointments in and out of town, cooked for him, feed his animals, washed a few cloths (if he alowed me to) after he got home from the hospital after a surgery. I was laid off last summer so doing these things came as natural as taking care of one of my own family members. I recently got a new job and it has been difficult to back off, but I just can't do as much now. We still keep in touch and if he ever called with an emergency I'd be there in a New York minute. God bless all of us help others!
Reply
October 21, 2010 by jocelyn estrabon
Im a midwife and doing special duty to patients same as caregiver also, when i encountered patients with no other person to be with , so pity. . .i felt she was my mother. .so whenever i go near to her my heart almost break into pieces.. and give what she wanted to have in her bedside. . neighbors doesnt refer only a house in the neighborhood but to any person who needs your help even on the road. In this case better to have with them caregivers concerns like a family member, who is kind,loving ,considerate.
Reply
October 29, 2010 by Eldertalk
Good for you - our midwives and childbirth educators have the knowledge and empathy to 'move' into this sector. We need more of you! The worst problems are outside of the cities, in smaller town, and communities without access to services like transportation, and the cliques that develop in those places in the churches, families, etc. creates a conspiracy of silence, that harms the victims of elder abuse.
Reply
October 27, 2010 by Kunle Adegboye
Check the Adult Protective Services in your area.
Reply
October 29, 2010 by Eldertalk
Please read my post above - depending on the size of the region, APS is not helpful. AND, they have no jurisdiction in hospitals or nursing centers.
Reply
December 11, 2010 by Wanda Babb
I know quite a few neighbors. I really do not know how to reach out. I'm 63 and been on disability since 2000. My children lived with me until 2006. I think the neighbors still remember how it was when they were here. My yard was a dump. My children did drugs, the police were call a lot to breakup domestic violence The children were very abusive. They both live 25 minutes away.They do not come over.My son has started calling. But a lot of time I have to hear mental abuse. How awful I am,or was when I was sick, and they lived in my house almost free. Taking my money to pay their bills and buy drugs. My daughter is just as bad. Because I do not have any money to help her get visitation of her children. That she gave to her ex husband, because they didn't fit in her new life style. Her husband has a family that gives him everything. He does not even work. So no money no daughter. she rarely calls If she does, the conversation usually ends in her telling like my son how awful I am. Because I don't have any money to give to her. I really do not know who to trust or who to turn too. From my children I get mental abuse, and neglect. I have friends, but both live out of state. I have a few friends here, but I'm not real close. I want help and I want to be of help to someone. But I have this fear. If I get to friendly are they going to treat me bad. .
Reply
January 24, 2011 by B Martin
Wanda, you are still young. It sounds like your kids still have not grown up and may never. I have step-brothers and sisters the same way. Thank God my real siblings have some responsibility in there lives. Please do reach out to your neighbors and make new friends. Families can be cruel at times, heck we all can't get along all the time. My mom is 75, she lives alone now. Her neighbors are the best. They have there problems, as most do, but really help us children care for and watch after our mom. We play music for a senior dance 1 or 2 times a month, I really see the comfort these places have for the elderly. Its a place to go play cards, dance, eat lunch, quilt, and just a great place to get to know people, no mater what there age. People help people, reach out so someone can reach back, please. I just spent the weekend with mom, her next door neighbor called to tell me mom had called the ambulance. She was not feeling good and could not get help from the doctors answering service. She did not want to bother us. Thank you neighbor for caring.
Reply
February 28, 2011 by Teresa
Dear Ms wanda
I truly apologize for the way your family is treating you, why I dont know but one thing I do know is you only have one mother and god deals with the ones that disrespects his elderly creation. If you ever need any help please feel free to contact me Ive been a caregiver for the last 16yrs caring for elderly is my passion my true calling, and even if you've found the proper care I shall keep you in my prayers that things will get better.
Reply
December 15, 2010 by sheila mirembe
it is good work i like taking care of elders is part of hobbies
Reply
December 22, 2010 by ago
i love working with the elderly.,as a matter of fact i am currently employed as live in caregiver for more than two years to a 66yrs old CVA/stroke patient. for me taking care elderly is not just earning for a living but a gift of chance to make them feel not neglected. i am looking forward of hearing you friend.
Reply
January 25, 2012 by susan
That Great! Im so happy to read your comment. Elderly should be appreciated and a blessing, they gone too a journey which some of us haven't gone yet or I say in the process of going. They should be reminded the accomplishment they done in life not the ending of there journey. I can't wait to tell GOD what I've done in my life. Ok I don't know it yet ha! ha! that's why we should treat living is a blessing because we have still choices. Of course many of us in the process of our journey and having so many challenges in life. Which make things difficult about life. Anyway, your the kind of person I like as a friend. GOD Bless you!!!
Susana
Reply
January 26, 2011 by SUE MCTAMNEY
I am currently looking for a livein caregiver position. My mm passed away a month ago and I wsa her caregiver for the last 2 years. It has left a remendous void in my life. If you have a family member who needs help in any way (I dispensed medications, cooked, cleaned, bathed, dressed and just took care of her in anyway possible, or if you just want your family member spoiled; please keep me in mind. I would love to live to be live in if at all pooible I live in Levittown, PA. I would love to have someone to take care of again. It's extremely satisfying when you know you hae made a difference in someone's life. My email is SMCTAMNEY@MSN.COM. Thank you.
Reply
February 13, 2011 by Rosalie
I am a care giver myself, for 20 years, cared, for high profiled people,with lovely family,s who care, but not able to spend a lot of time with mom or dad, that do not mean they dont care, they care enough to hire the best care giver to help out. Thanks to those family,s who care
REPLY
Reply
January 25, 2012 by susan
Dido. If I can't take care of my mom because I can't afford it, I rather take care of someone that way I can get pay taking care of someone mom or dad and be rewarded of feeling great and also be able to care my family providing there financial needs.
Susan
Reply
February 20, 2011 by marilyn agugliaro
I read your interesting comments and some of them are really sad. Alot of people have always said to me that I should write a book about my experiences being a caregiver not just for my family and loved ones, but also for the elderly that I've taken care of recently when I lived in florida. Know that I live on the Island I'm here to stay and would like to give some of my time. Thank-you kindly Marilyn Agugliaro
Reply
1 2 3 »
Tell us what you think.
Let the world know what you think, but please do so responsibly. Comments are moderated and we will not post personal attacks, obscene language or inappropriate material, comments with links, or comments from people under the age of 18. If you have a question, check out our Comment Submission Guidelines.