The Responsibility Project^®. Exploring what it means to do the right thing

Responsible Sporting: Sidelined Parents

29 Comments

May 26, 2009 by Kathy McManus

When parents act irresponsibly, should they get a time-out?

A group of soccer parents in Bethesda, Maryland was recently ordered away from the game and exiled to a nearby hill, where they needed binoculars to see their daughters play. 

The banishment was punishment for the adults’ “unsportsmanlike” conduct at a Washington Area Girls Soccer League match, where a parent loudly accused a referee of making a bad call. The league has levied fines against parents in the past for over-the-top behavior, but some have simply paid the money without lowering the volume. 

So when the parent raised his voice at the ref, and others piled on in an “aggressive” tone that culminated with one yelling at the referee’s daughter, “Your father should be fired,” the league’s disciplinary committee deemed that collective punishment was in order. All parents of girls on the Bethesda Legacy team were sidelined to the hill for two games, guarded by an additional ref who made sure none ventured within 100 yards of the playing field. 

“For parents to be shrieking on the sidelines and belittling people goes against everything we’re trying to do,” said the league president. “It’s not acceptable behavior.” The disciplinary committee’s report noted that parents’ “egregious” behavior has “no place in youth sports.” 

Chastised parents were tight-lipped. “It’s embarrassing,” said one. “This is seventh grade soccer.” 

“We’ve got to shut up and keep going,” said another. “You just have to sit on the sidelines and not say anything.” 

But some questioned this latest entry into the parental playbook. “Since when did it become a crime to yell at the referees for a bad call?” a Bethesda resident wrote in a letter to the newspaper editor. “In my view, parents are simply expressing their passion.” 

Tell us what you think: Is it irresponsible for parents to yell at their kids’ referee? Where do you draw the line between expressing “passion” and unsportsmanlike behavior? In this case, does the crime fit the collective punishment? 

For information about creating positive sports experiences for kids, log on to ResponsibleSports.com. Sponsored by Liberty Mutual, the site offers parents and coaches tips, tools, and advice designed to help maximize their kids’ youth sports experience. Parents can also take part in online discussions, asking questions and sharing experiences about how best to help kids apply the life lessons of sports--on and off the field. Because, as The Home Run reminds us, there’s more to the game than winning.

29 Comments

What do you think? Leave a comment

• May 27, 2009 by David Lufkin

  Having coached and reffed rec league soccer as well as watched my son play from that level to college, I believe that parents need to understand that the rules of conduct are different than those of professional sports. Most of these organizations are free associations of parents who are trying to create a positive environment for their kids to learn and grow in. In my experience, parents who overreact at games can dish it out just fine, directing their wrath at players, coaches, refs, and even volunteer linesman who may also be younger kids. They don't cry foul until the abuse is directed at them or their team. So the challenge is to get a grip, behave yourself, and save the drama for the pro wrestling event. Would they act this way at church or the PTA? Not likely.

  Reply

• May 27, 2009 by Pattie Morgan

  I agree that the parents were out of hand. You don't have to yell and be aggressive to let the ref know you think he/she made a bad call. Our children learn how to deal with adverse situations by watching us. If we lose our temper in these kinds of situations, the children will learn to behave in that manner. If we attempt to solve differences of opinion in a calm, rational manner, our children will learn to deal with conflict that way.

  Reply

  • June 4, 2009 by Vince Montoya

    You're right. Parents should be able to enjoy watching the game. They should have to hear grown adults yelling at a 14 year old ref about how horrible of a job they are doing or yelling at their child about how pathetic they are and why they should have stayed home. When parents complain so violently about about the game, I usually direct them to the free Referee clinics offered on the weekend and tell them to give it a try. Because we all know that they can do a much better job. However, it is the responsibility of the refs to uphold their authority and eject parents and coaches who take it too far. And remember, depending on the state in which you live, it may be a felony to assault a referee. Cool off and enjoy the game or find something else to do.

    Reply

  • July 6, 2009 by Natasha Call

    It's really not very funny when something like this happens. However, after the fact, we get a little chuckle about those who are the parents who misbehave and expect people to take them seriously. Realizing that the parents set the example for the next generation of parents, the reality of good and bad parental behavior really hits home.

    Reply

• May 28, 2009 by Boo Who

  Parents should be able to say what they want about how they think their kid is being treated. They should also be able to enjoy the game on the sideline, not 100ft away.

  Reply

  • June 3, 2009 by Ronald Applewhite

    I have coached, managed, refereed, or umpired in youth sports for the past 15 years. Some leagues pay a small stipend to their referees, but for many it is a volunteer effort. Some people not only volunteer but pay for their equipment and training courses out of pocket. I can't tell for sure, of course, but I would be willing to bet that most people on here who are defending the parents have never served as a referee or a coach. Even extremely competent officials are going to make bad calls now and again. If an official is obviously inept, there are channels that parents can go through to have that person replaced. Abusing the officials on the field in front of the kids is NEVER appropriate under any circumstances. Until you are willing to get on the field and do it yourself, you should watch the game and keep your mouth shut unless you are cheering for the kids. Thankfully, more and more leagues are requiring parents to sign rules of conduct agreements when they sign their kids up.

    Reply

• May 29, 2009 by Kathryn E Hayden

  It sounds like these parents need to simmer down and remind themselves that a soccer match (or any other sporting event) is still just a game. It's supposed to be for fun, not to arouse anger or irritation in the spectators. Parents who take their children's sporting events too seriously often end up inadvertently ruining the whole experience for their children. In the case of my brother, my dad pressured him so much to succeed in sports that he just quit, and my dad (a high school and college athlete) has never gotten over it.

  Reply

• May 29, 2009 by Anggie

  The junior games are meant to teach the game and provide recreation to the kids playing them whether it is soccer or baseball or any other sport. Many parents get out of control not only with the refs but their very own children. You don't have to watch in silence you can cheer on the team without offending others. And yes, depending on what and how you yell at someone it could be a crime. Any if you watch pro sports aggressive fans are removed from stands, coaches and players are expelled from the game. Teach your kids by setting a good example. Or just stay home.

  Reply

• May 30, 2009 by Christine G.

  A basic rule of child-rearing is to model the behavior you want to see. Whatever we do is an investment in the future of our children and the world they will live in. We need to ask ourselves what kind of future we want, and act accordingly. When I witness people behaving abusively at a sporting event, I just want to go home and forget the whole thing. I admire the soccer league for taking a stand instead of simply going with the flow. If nothing else, this will spark discussion of what is appropriate and what is not.

  Reply

• May 31, 2009 by flavor

  I think that they did the right thing because I see this behavior in other sports, when people act this rude it disturbs others who are trying to enjoy a game that their child probably is in also. I don't feel sorry for these parents sometime you have to make these kind of decisions because next it could be parents throwing things and it will go on and on so yes they did what was right on this matter.

  Reply

• May 31, 2009 by millie ocean

  I agree with those commenting about manners mattering. There are rules to any sporting event and there are rules for proper conduct. We should follow these rules and set a good example for both our peers and our children.

  Reply

• June 1, 2009 by Jeffrey B. Linnan

  Who are the adults here? Having served as President of a youth sports league in the DC area for several years, I've seen firsthand how aggressive and truly over the top parents can be at these events. The common statement was "This league would be great if it wasn't for the parents". This attitude of "saying what we want" - regardless of the example it sets - is exactly why this type of thing happens. This wasn't a matter of the way someone was "treated". It was a "call" by a referee. Let's grow up and set a positive example instead of fulfilling our self-serving, anything goes mentality. My suggestion would be to trade places and referee a game. Put the shoe on the other foot for a change. You may then find people taking responsibility for their actions instead of complaining about the consequences of not doing so. Watching from 100 ft away was too good - I would have prohibited them from the field.

  Reply

• June 2, 2009 by Kim Cuneo

  It might be acceptable to yell to a ref but it's not exceptional behavior. The game has many moments of play, calls, penalties, mistakes, greatness...why should our kids believe that one call changed the outcome of a game...it takes away their pride in being winners and it even impedes their accountability for losing gracefully. There will always be bad calls, sketchy calls, but mostly the demeaning remarks cone from parents who haven't got a clue about the actual rules of the games. It's disappointing when a call doesn't go your way...it's disappointing when a call is bad...it's disappointing to lose, but in our society where just recently a college student killed his girlfriend who broke up with him~ shouldn't we all learn that disappointment is something we all need to learn to handle?

  Reply

• June 5, 2009 by Aaron Steigelmann

  As a veteran referee of more than a decade, I can tell you that parents that get out of control can cause much more damage to the sport than the game is worth. I mean, seriously it's a kids game! I could understand maybe at the high school level, college level, or obviously professional level. At that age there is something there. But at a seventh grade girls game- most leagues don't even keep stats on the teams! I can also say as an older sibling to many younger kids, watching a ref make a bad call hurts. But addressing it the way that many parents have done, really only hurts the game, and shows your children that manners and respect have no place in our 'real' society. To those parents reading this: please consider what you are really doing every time you open up your mouth to complain about what you consider to be a 'bad' call - is it really worth it?

  Reply

• June 6, 2009 by Thomas B. SARVER

  I think we should go back to recess and physical education in school. There is too much emphasis put in sports. Our children are getting away from what education is all about. They are taught that winning is everything, but it isn't. A good education is what our tax money is supposed to be paying for, not a bunch of uniforms and sports equipment. I'm sure sports equipment and gear is very costly. I think the money could be spent more wisely.

  Reply

Tell us what you think.