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Fresh Living: When Ties Don’t Bind

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June 4, 2010 by Valerie Reiss for Beliefnet’s Fresh Living blog

I just stumbled on this moving article in the New York Times, When the Ties that Bind Unravel, on a surprisingly untrod subject: The pain of parents cut off by adult kids. In our blame-the-parent culture we mostly just hear from the "kids'" perspective. Generating more than 800 comments, the story clearly touched a nerve--many are from parents bewildered and deeply grieved and many are from those less than sympathetic to parents who may deserve to be cut off.

A psychologist quoted in the article, Joshua Coleman, author of "When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along," who was on the parental end of this issue, offers this advice to parents whose adult children have cut them out of their lives:

"Often, [Coleman] said, parents in these situations give up too soon. He advises them to continue weekly letters, e-mail messages or phone calls even when they are rejected, and to be generous in taking responsibility for their mistakes -- even if they did not seem like mistakes at the time.

"After all, he went on, parents and children have very different perspectives. 'It's possible for a parent to feel like they were doing something out of love,' he said, "but it didn't feel like love to that child.'

"Friends, other family members and therapists can often help a parent cope with the loss of an estranged child. So can patience: reconciliation usually takes many conversations, not just one.

'When I was going through this, it was a gray cloud, a nightmare,' Dr. Coleman said. 'Don't just assume if your child is rejecting you that that's the end of the conversation. Parents have to be on a campaign to let the child know that they're in it for the long haul.'"

Powerful stuff.

And here's one deeply moving, hopeful reader comment from a father that gave me chills:

"I felt exceptionally close to a daughter who decided at 17 that I was too "intrusive" [nosy] and stopped all contact. [Divorce happened when she was 9.] She never gave me a specific "reason" for cutting me off. First came the soul-searching over what I'd done wrong. Like any parent even good ones I came up with a long list of mistakes. Regrets. I WAS too nosy. I should have... I could have...I'm sorry I... Sadly I reconfigured my ideas of proper parental boundaries. Thanksgiving...Christmas... High school graduation.. birthday...family funerals. Weddings. Nada.

I waited. I was heartbroken and felt despairing guilt, but also remained patient and committed to trying to keep some remnant of communication open. I sent her letters on special occasions and thoughtful personal gifts for holidays. I waited.

She went away to college in California. Almost two years passed and the ice did not melt. No contact.

Then one day on an afternoon walk around the running track at the Central Park Reservoir the wildest, weirdest thing ever happened... we ran into each other. What are the odds? Happy is too pale a word to describe the relief, ecstatic joy and endearing words we exchanged. I have an inkling how Lazarus felt.

We're now in regular contact. Lots of words have passed. Explanations. Recriminations. Reasons. Stories. A little miracle. And strangely enough, the City has decided to situate the new fountain at Jackie Onassis Reservoir at the exact spot where we met. Go figure.

Parents: Do what you can to understand the situation and make things right. Let respect guide your path. Let go of whatever anger you may feel. [Difficult, but not impossible.] Never EVER give up.

Children: Cut your padres some slack. They won't be around forever."

Have you been through this--as the child or the parent? What advice would you give for either side?

Here's the whole article: When the Ties That Bind Unravel by Tara Parker-Pope

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• June 4, 2010 by Bartleby

  As a child who was abandoned by my father and told by my terminally ill mother that she no longer wanted to speak with me, I can relate to the feelings of abandonment. My children will know for their entire lives that my home is their home and that even if I am angry with them, I love them with every fiber of my being.

  -Bartleby the Scrivener

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• June 7, 2010 by jujubeanwitley

  I can relate to the chid's side of this argument all too well. Actually it frightens me how well. Growing up in a severed home, and with so many other things to add to the ties being cut, most children long for that connection with their parents, but often parents are not willing to really stop the "authoritative" stance in the child's life and take responsibility for their own wrongs. Especially when it comes to abuse. I found hope as I am now a mother myself and these pains have actually aided me in making better decisions relationally with my own child. I actively take interest in my child's dreams and hopes and never lay a hand on him. Our home is now free from the facade of perfection to the critical public eyes.. and I can be myself. It is not below me to really tell my son when I feel I had blown it, and my son is never afraid to tell me how he feels. He is included in decisions we make and its very known that he is important and plays a vital role in my family. Had I not experienced the heavy doses of abandonment in my own life, I would not have been so sensitive in this area I am afraid. I cannot guarantee that my son may someday down the road decide to go off and cut ties with me.. but I like how the aritcle states early on "parents give up too soon". That encourages me to not do so as my parents did. I truly wish my father would desire a relationship with me, but I am no longer in a position to work at that. I have done all I can, now its just time to move on... I love my parents dearly, but sooner or later we all have to go on and become our own people. Parents take heed and take care of the precious young years you have with your children.. it may seem small now, but rest assurred that in this parenting role, a little bit does indeed go a long, long way.

  jujubean

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• June 20, 2010 by Susan Ryan

  What if you have loved being a parent, the whole busy experience was a blast and you enjoyed every minute of it...then the grandchildren came and you were "used" for eveytime they needed a babysitter...They used me, but in my opinion it was such a tremendous pleasure....the bond was set....Then they snatched them away...trying, with no real reason they could come up with to keep them from you....only going to 'her' parents house and functions...She, I have found, really doesn't like me...that is so hard...I have been there and being a nurse who is a caretaker, tried to do everything I could to be there for them and meet any needs that they had...I knew how life was so busy when children were young and my Mom and Dad were such help to me...so, you follow that path...but the difference is you have a Daughter-in-law and she just wants nothing to do with you.....so the 2 grandsons are just taken out of your life and the pain is tremendous...I just can't describe the feeling of loss...I have another Son who has two boys and I have developed an awesome relationship with the 3 yr. old because she worked and I was NEEDED....now, it is painful, but I don't see him either like I did...I just want to create memories with my grandsons like my grandmother did with me...they are priceless..I have an older Son with no children yet...but the three of them get together and dog the heck out of me...My Husband of 40+ yrs. has had so many health issues it is amazing, but most of his problem is being non-complient and things could be a lot better...my Sons seem to care and do for him to try to help his health,but nothing seems to work...the last few years he also lost his very best friend, also my Sons second Dad, and that along with everything else...plus a business that he owned with his Brother for 20 yrs. and because everything was verbal....he is out cold...so much was taken from us by his Brother...all of this has made this 'ho ho ho' man to the world suddenly a wife hater and verbal abuser...for two years I put up with it and it almost killed me...his father was a Catholic Patriarc and alcoholic and although he is not an alcoholic, he shows it in other ways...can't stop eating sweets, in any form...(closet eater) and now takes pills for diabetes, plus insulin....but has not changed his diet...his other health issues are a mile long..had his prostrate taken out for cancer..you know what that does to the sex issue...was told by the dr. that HE had to follow his orders to bring his sexual ability back....he didn't ....so he blames me for EVERYTHING.....the verbal abuse was terrible...the once 'wonderful' Mother of his children...was now a selfish, witch....and he drove it into me so much..I tried to help so much but he fought and fought my help even as a caring wife/nurse, and finially I told him I wasn't his Mother and was done trying...I had even bought him diabetic things to rub his back, feet, etc..you name it...but the sex thing killed him...he couldn't take not being able to be as he was and took it out on me, even tho' he verbal abused me during the day..so I finially stopped that because I was just being used...that was the end of him....never thought he would feel so ugly towards me...but he did. when the door closes he turns into Mr. Hyde, and you can't speak over his yelling...so I gave up..moved out with a friend, thinking that after a month or two he would want to work it out...Now it is over a year, and he is happy as a lark....I am so shocked..he knows that I am willing to work on things but doesn't want to because everyone feels sorry for the deserted man and fusses over him big time...meanwhile.."the witch" is ignored....what a sad situation....I have make attempts, but nothing works..even the boys are bitter..."Poor Dad" and they fuss over him so much...Friends that I thought were mine too...turned out not to be...our relationships are severed...that to me is fair weather friends....I don't want them to take sides, but I have done so much for EVERYONE in the past, that now when I am desperate.....they could care less, don't want to be bothered...I was told once by a counselor that I was nothing but a 'doormat".....needed to start thinking about myself...but it is so hard, esp. when you have been the one that cares for everyone....even my dying Mother...everyone says that when they get old, they want me....because I treated her like a queen in her last days especially....she was an awesome Mom and so was my Dad that I could never have done enough for them....I loved them and miss them so much...she saw how I was being treated...didn't like it, but didn't interfere because she was so wise.... So, what to do...apologize for being there whenever I was needed...doing things to make their lives easier....helping in anyway I could...dropping everything whenever they needed me....look where it has gotten me...they want to pin some sort of 'sickness' on me....I really resent that...sure I have anxiety and days of depression, but the dr. said that with everything going on, I was handeling things very well..... so I am just miserable...How do you do things for yourself and move on when your heart in in your family, esp those grandsons who loved me so much....cried when they left because I just enjoyed everything with them...If you have a daughter-in-law that is jealous for whatever reason and you have loved and loved her..what do you do ....? she really now I realize is the reason I don't get to see my grandsons (3 miles away) ...the two yr. old doesn't even know me...what a depressing thought...I have cried so much there is nothing left...and honestly, I don't think they care...I asked my Mom once what I did wrong....she so sweetly took my face in her hands and said.."Sweetheart, you havent' done anything wrong, you have just done too much" true....but too late now... So, what do I do...not getting any younger...the stress has taken it's toll on my body big time...I am 61...a few years ago I was a size 2 and looked really good..now I am a 12 and my face looks like an old lady...nothing makes me feel or look better....never did I think my life would end up this way!!!!! I am asking what to do now..move away...I have never done anything legal with my Husband....but I guess I should...he wants to do nothing to work on things...I don't believe in divorce, but I do need to have something done as far as a legal separation or something...I am living on next to nothing...with my dear friend...but I don't have a home and that is so sad...I just spend my life doing for others, nothing wrong with that, but enough is enough....today is Fathers' Day and I am sure he is being wined and dined by all.....Mothers' day came and went...I am truly mourning the loss of my family, esp. my Grandsons who I want so much to know me and leave memories, good memories of their Nanny!!! Am I angry, am I bitter....darn right I am.....I can honestly say I have never done anything to harm any of them...why is this happening to me? And what do I do..get legally separated and move away..I can't stand being here and seeing all of the places that have meant so much in the past.....HELP!!!!!!!

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  • July 10, 2010 by Sandy

    ok, I'll help but you won't like it.

    My suggestion: make an honest list of 10 things you did incorrectly during your life. I just want to point out that everything in your letter was someone else's fault. That can't possibly be true. Re run your life like a movie and watch that star. Does she do everything for everyone else the way they want and need it, or the way she wants to do it according to what she thinks they need? Does she listen more than talk, does she ever say "wow, I'm sorry that happened, what can I do to help?"

    Giving more of yourself than anyone wants is not a gift, it's a burden. And it just might be a way to avoid doing any self examination.

    Good Luck, I care more than you can know.

    Reply

    • November 4, 2010 by gcd

      right on . still takes trial/error practice after awareness, to change behavior. and rebuild trust or at least tolerance.

• June 24, 2010 by Mellie

  I come from the children's side of this arguement. I was conceived on my mother's 28th brithday by accident. My father had to follow his job from one coast to another, and my mother went with him. I was born and they married 6 months later. I never put 2 and 2 together as a kid, but the pictures of me at their wedding had been hidden from me my whole childhood. I grew up in a home that was unhappy. My mother turned out to be an alcoholic and my father was emotionally distant. I was 19 when they began divorce proceedings, my little brother was only 16, and while my father did everything he could for all of us - including paying our home's 2nd mortgage while paying rent at an apartment for him - my mother put me and my brother right in the middle. She abandoned my brother, flitting off that summer with a new boyfriend and refusing to buy groceries for us. Granted I was 19, but I was required to be a full-time college student and I made barely enough to feed myself and had nothing left for a child. I ended up having to drop out of college. The divorce was horrible, on my mother's side. My father, brother and I became very close. My father refused to speak ill of her unless she had done something to really hurt him (as in forcing him to go bankrupt and defaulting on our home without telling him to ruin his VA status, which was used to purchase the home when I was 4.) How my mother felt finally came out - she blamed me for my own existance by telling me that if it hadn't been for me, she wouldn't have been in that situation. It broke my heart. She revelled in it. I continued to live with her at my father's urging - "she needs help. she needs you." The final straw was at 20 and contemplating suicide, not because I felt sorry for myself, but because I felt so trapped. I refused to be homeless I suppose. I finally did get out, but the next 6 years were spent with harassing phone calls and ugly words from her. 26 years was enough. I refuse to speak with her now or allow her to be in my life unless she's sober, in AA and has a sponser to get her healthy. She refuses to aknowledge she's an alcoholic. Just because they are our parents doesn't mean they get to treat us like crap all our lives and cry foul when we won't take anymore of it. I don't feel guilty in the least. My life and my outlook improved leaps and bounds when I drew the line. I f I had treated my parents badly when I was growing up - which I didn't, I was the perfect child - then I can't blame anyone but myself if they had chosen to not be in my life. But I refuse to allow anyone be apart of my life when their only intent is to be negative and ugly about everything. Life is to darn short!

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• July 13, 2010 by elsa childers

  To susan,help is you stopping the self pity trip and get on with life. Better ways to do is to forget what is now history face the future with ill do and get better with makeing me happy, makeing my life what i want it to be. it really doesnt matter who did it or who is at fault or even that ever one took sides and did wrong towards you, its ok you feel as you do and i feel as i do. We agree to disagree. Start with ,getting back in shape, start going out and meeting people, start with makeing plans for events.Start with love your self the rest will get it when you have given your self so much love that you are sorry for them, they choice to lose a good friend,parent ,grandmaw or mother in law, and if they should want to make a effort to change , call you up youll be glad to get dressed up and go out and have dinner, show or just be together, and not even mention what is now history. You want future event not yesterdays news. SUSAN YOUR A GOOD PERSON, YOU SHOW GOOD EDUCATION THRU LETTER, YOU ARE FAIR AND SHOW LOTS OF CLASS. WHY WOULD YOU NOT KNOW YOUR SELF MABE YOUR TO GOOD FOR THEM TO BE IN YOUR LIFE. TURN THE TALBLES AROUND NOW NOT LATER RIGHT NOW!! GOOD LUCK YOUR FUTURE IS A GREAT BIG HAPPY AND FUN LIFE.

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