Calming Down
June 24, 2010 by Holly Lebowitz Rossi for Beliefnet's Fresh Living blog
Arguments aren't something I have often, I'm happy to report. Part of the reason is a mildly unhealthy aversion to confrontation as a self-esteem-killer. But I'd like to think that another part of it is that I'm generally a calm, open person who is good at finding solutions to tense situations or conflicts without easily escalating into shouting, arguing, or hostility.
Sometimes, though, arguments happen, as one did to me yesterday. It's a long story, not worth getting into, but what I want to talk about here is the aftermath—the fact that I was not successful in getting a lasso around my mind and body after the toxic vitriol that took place.
After the incident (the whole conversation/confrontation lasted exactly 10 minutes), I was back at my desk, shaking with adrenaline and anger. Several rounds of deep breathing (making my exhale longer than my inhale) did not calm my pounding heart or sweating palms. Two hours later, I was prone on my couch, watching a rerun of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" to try and calm down (always a good thing to try). An hour after that, I was not eating my dinner because I was too wound up in knots. Two hours hence, I was trying to at least let my body rest even though my mind was rehearsing the fight, my indignation and frustration, and possible next steps. At 4 a.m. I was wide awake again, heart pounding and thoughts racing. When I woke up for the day, my stomach was upset, my heart still pound-y, and my eyes scrunched up with stress and aggravation.
In other words, not exactly the Fresh Living way.
So what is the "right way" to calm down after an argument? I found a helpful list that offered more than the obvious "take a deep breath" strategy for calming down. Here are some of the innovative ideas that the author, Sabah Karimi, suggests:
1. Shake your shoulders. Most of us collect tension in the areas in the back of the neck, shoulders, and upper body. Next time you're having a tense moment, notice how your shoulders may be hunched in and how the muscles are contracting. Shaking your shoulders will give you a much-needed posture adjustment, helping you breathe naturally and calming you down.
2. Take a walk. Sometimes a breathe of fresh air is all you need to change your state of mind. Head outdoors for some deep breathing, or even take a quick speedwalk around the neighborhood. Increasing your circulation, even for a brief moment, will help clear your head.
3. Tear up paper. The simple activity of shredding up paper with both hands can keep you distracted and help relieve those fleeting thoughts of anger.
4. Burn vanilla or lavender candles. Vanilla scents are calming and soothing, while lavender also encourages sleep. Taking a whiff of these powerful scents can help you de-stress and remove yourself from the tension just long enough to simmer down.
I love these, and plan to tear some paper as soon as I finish this post. But looking back on my failed attempt to re-Zen, I would add one to Sabah's list:
5. Tell the story only a few times. I vented about what happened to my sister. Then my mother. Then my mother-in-law. Then some friends. Then (again) to my husband. I think that was a mistake--not a mistake to share the story, but a mistake to repeat it again and again. All that did was get me worked up and indignant all over again. Instead, tell the story to a very inner circle, and to others who know you had an argument, either have a one-sentence summary or just ask them to support you in calming down.
How do you calm down after an argument?
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6 Comments
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June 25, 2010 by Vix
Kick something!!! Nothign that you cant live without and nothing that you can hurt, use a punching bag or something.
Spend the anger and you will rid yourself of it quicker than trying to sooth it away.
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July 6, 2010 by karon
I write. And write. About 800 pages of notebook paper a week (it may be less for anxiety-journaling persons without specific neurosis, psychosis, etc.), because to not do so means to keep the poisons in, never come to a point of closure (within myself, not necessarily my partner), and bury resentments that spawn from lack of resolution between "arguing" parties.
The breaking point doesn't have to exist, it can be smoothed over as "self" is reminded that one needs no one's agreement to be validated in one's own truth process. If it gets more important that someone share the views we hold so dear than having these beliefs held dear to ourselves, something might need to be righted inside between many words are shared (especially if the volume escalates). The old "we can agree to disagree..." has some merit. Especially since our physical health as well as the relationship's constitution can be at risk if peace and calm is allowed to be put asunder.
Right is nice but peaceful and kind might be better. If not, put up those (verbal) dukes and have it out a few times until it's just no fun anymore. If you need to at least FEEL right, WRITE.
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October 22, 2010 by Adrienne Wall
I was in a relationship with a younger man in June. He broke it off with me within a few weeks. It was very intense. I thought we were going to have a future together? He was 20 years younger than me. After a while he told me that I was too old. Time went by. I emailed him. I told him I missed him. He said he missed me too. He wanted to see me again. So, after some time communicating on the email and a bit on the phone. He told me he was going to see an old girl friend. She broke it off with him. He got hurt, yet he went to make an amends to her! They, wound up in bed. He, broke off the date with me. He said he needed time to figure out his feelings? He was confused? I told him to go to her. He accepted gladly. After some more time. I yet again emailed him. Told him I missed him. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. To make love to me. He emailed back and fourth a bit. Then he started a new job. All his time went to that. After a while he had the time to see me. He said he was ready to see me. I said I wanted to see him the next weekend. By that time. I did an email. That provoked him. He thought I was after his money and on email called our relationship off. Then yet again I email him. I said I missed him. He said he missed me and wanted to see me. So, we made a date. I spoke to him on the phone. I told him he made me crazy with all the break ups and cancelled plans. He then emaile me again. Said that we were not compatable and he wanted the relationship to stop. What should I do? How sould I feel? What his his problem with me? Does he care? he said I was his soul mate. He said he had strong feelings for me. That mine were stonger however. What should I know do? Thanks Adrienne
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July 8, 2010 by Rob Parnell
Sorry to hear about what happened to you.
It sounds like, either you have a heated discussion with a stranger, or were discussing a past painful matter, to someone you knew personally? There is no easy answer. Most of my friends, choose to say nothing. Which is fine, if that is what they want?
My past jobs have involved, "where you are just expected," to take abuse from strangers, and apologize for anything. Last worked as a Customer Service Representative. Last supervisor chewed me out, for not apologizing, when the phone call played back revealed, the customer wasn't even upset or complaining about anything. Talk about you can't win. I left that job and glad I had.
This is why, whenever you call a customer support number, they apologize - it means nothing, they have no choice, and it is just routine. Personally, if "I am pressed" when someone apologizes to me. I will calmly say, that is Ok, you don't need to apologize to me, I understand it is your job, you did not cause the issue - which we are trying to repair today.
And move, on. Some of my friends, who have nothing to do with CS, regularly say they get the worst service at restaurants and things. I have found out, you talk to the servers, chat with the cashiers, be nice if they are nice, relax and "if they are rushing non-stop" make them pause on you (if they want?), and tell them - I'm the customer, I'll slow you down, so you can rest a little bit, and "if your boss comes along," I'll chew him out for you! I know the game...
--- Sorry for such a long post, but I guess I am writing partly for myself, too. I tend to be a busy typist too. There is so much on the Internet & job hunting is totally different, by the web.
Wrap-up; Notice above I said, boss / manager. There truly is a difference between leaders and "the typical workplace" manager. Leaders have followers, managers just dictate, manipulate, or presume no one is doing - what they should. = Very interesting stuff, if you're interested John Maxwell's books, are rather revealing to me. 360 Leader is the one, currently reading.
Thank you for reading, summer is in mid-bloom. Need to get that job, soon. Later
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July 24, 2010 by debbiegrace
I have learned to do two things ... The first is to ask yourself.two questions. The first is :.. "In 100 years, Will this really matter?".. If the answer is "No", then it s not worth getting upset over... this is for people who cut ahead of you while driving, spills, small thing that aggravate you, but don't change your life... Now, some times the answer is a resounding "Yes"!! it WILL matter in 100 years... " That's when i know the topic is important... and i need to work on it.. change something in myself, but often just asking that little question saves me from wasting my time on silly little things. The second question is, "Is there anything I can do about it to change it?" this , too makes it obvious what is important... Again, it points out what's worth worrying over.. red lights, someone who is mean to you, rain when you expected sun... all not life altering, so don't let it get to you. Stand up, take a deep breath, and let it all go.. But when you answer "Yes, there is something i CAN do about it...or SHOULD do about it".. then you have a focus..and the beginning of a plan to change something... (Quitting smoking, eating better, visiting a family member more, helping out a church, going back to school for your self, making that doctor's appointment...alopogizing to a friend, ) The last thing i do is forgive the person or situation that bothers. me....It may sound silly, but by forgiving someone or something, YOU get ot be in charge again...by NOT forgiving , the person, situation or thing wins every time.... Because YOU are the only one unhappy when you can't forgive... the other person or situation could care less how you feel. But Forgive that person, or incident, and evryone wins. You do not waste any time on hating some person or situation. and God smiles....
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August 7, 2010 by o douglas
Arguments are never easy. We get angry, annoyed and this can go on for a mighty longggggg time. I feel over my years that the best way is to be assertive, make my point, and let it be. When I was much youngerrrrr, it bothered me from early mornining through the hours of the next early morning and maybe even for a year or two. I believe there comes a time in life when you must realize that you cannot lose sleep over an argument or disagreement. Let it be and hopefully with a cheerful greeting the next time you see the person you disagreed with, he/she would start getting over it, too and life goes on.
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